Season Three Snarks

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WHAT HAPPENED AT THE XST?
This is as good a time as any to let you guys know just how much Catherine hates Roger's stupid ten-gallon hat. It's way too big for his head . . . or for *anyone's* head. Yup, it's another Roger episode snark. Just remember, April *is* the cruellest month, and we're doing this one in April 1997.

Amazing Guest Stars: Keenan Wynn. You know, last time we saw him was at a stagecoach depot. Now it turns out he took the boys in when they were 16? Well, at least if they're bringing a guest star back in different roles, they waited from the first season until the third. How many different parts did Walter Brennan play in the second season alone?

Kid Curry Coiffure Moments: You know, these are kind of disappointing. Third season he just had consistent hair. There's no challenge in it. Roger, however, was just *meant* to wear his hair differently than that. To give Roger his due, we've decided that without the ten-gallon hat, and from a particular angle, and if he's not smiling, he's really pretty darn cute. Oh, and setting aside that hair problem, of course.

Excuse Me, But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings?:

  • For a change we're snarking on male costumes, and in particular, Ben's. Okay, we know we should have said Curry's, but did you get a load of what he was wearing? Flat shoes -- *not* riding boots, and this after we've just had a detailed explanation in Folks Are Talkin' of *why* riding boots have heels. We could almost swear it looks like he's wearing . . . sneakers? Blue jeans with a slightly flared leg -- very 1972. A work shirt. It's like he just came into work in his *own* blinkin' clothes, and they handed him the gunbelt, vest and hat. What, did the costume budget get cut?
  • There's one scene with Curry, Heyes and the two crooked deputies, and Heyes is the only one not wearing blue jeans. However, he is wearing some *very* early 1970s flare legged pants.
  • Two things we *do* like about Ben's costume :-- he's begun rolling his sleeves back to show his henley underwear shirtsleeves, just like Pete/Heyes used to do, and he's wearing that blue bandana that used to belong to Pete/Heyes. (Which always makes us go awwww, and sniffle a little.)
  • Meanwhile, there is an outstanding example of an older frontier woman in the first scene -- no big hair, no false eyelashes, she's wearing a shawl . . . OTOH, there is a saloon girl wearing a prom dress.
  • Romance Rating: None

    Slash Moments: None detectable by the human eye.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

  • What is this Star Wars text crawling up the screen deal? Frank Canton, sheriff of Buffalo, Wyoming, who stole the plans to the Death Star for the Rebel Alliance, is speeding towards the ice planet of Hoth, where he plans to rendezvous with Luke Skywalker . . .
  • Bizarre little exchange with that hotel desk clerk who reminds us peculiarly of Frazier Crane's brother Niles. Niles, we knew most of the money was Maris', but surely you didn't have to resort to this.
  • And wait . . . there is no Pete in this episode and yet somebody is singing badly. It's the Kid . . . "I'm a poor lonesome cowboy, because I drove them all away with my singing." And sure enough, Heyes snarks him in almost the same words we did, just a minute later. Points for Roger!
  • Smart child, makes H&C pay him the $.50 before he gives them his answer -- but what is this child running music?
  • And for heavens' sake, there are soldiers standing all around and what does the Kid do but call his partner Heyes out loud right as they're walking down the street. Are we to believe that the entire Old West had a hearing problem -- or just that the Kid had a thinking problem?
  • You know, the guys get beat up and left outside town a lot. Of course they left the note in Heyes' vest. They weren't sure the Kid could read.
  • So *every* sheriff in the entire West is an old compadre of theirs?
  • That's a really bad hat on Frank Canton. Really, really bad. Did we mention how bad it was?
  • And you'd think of everybody, a pair of guys who remember to call each other Heyes and Kid in private and Joshua and Thaddeus in public would just *maybe* be able to keep things straight and call this guy Frank rather than Joe? But then, as Deb points out, how many times have we cringed to hear them call each other Heyes and Kid right in front of the world, anyway?
  • Frank kinda pokes the Kid in the gut and comments that he's put on weight. Uh, where? He looks pretty trim to us.
  • Old Monterey Jack Cheeseborough? Who came up with that, and can we put out a $10,000 reward on him/her?
  • So duh, Heyes, you distract the ranch hands by telling them *Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry* are holed up someplace nearby? And thereby remind them about HH and KC? *Thank you* Kid, for snarking him.
  • The Kid quite rightly points out that he should have told them it was Bill Longley and Wes Hardin holed up there.
  • Is that James Bond theme music we're hearing in the background? And now we're moving into Shaft? or is it Baretta? And then it's more trendy harpsichord chase scene music.
  • And what is this, Kid Curry, Human Bloodhound?
  • And that strange, sort of pained expression on Heyes' face when he finds Artie dead? Can it be . . . Roger, having an emotion?
  • Miscellaneous Non-Snarks: There's a *rumour* they've gone straight? Interesting. We do get some nice sweaty undershirted Kid in the digging scene.

    Best Line/Worst Line: Heyes: "Curiosity is a vice. It's one of the few I don't have." Uh, Heyes, actually there are a lot of vices you don't have. And you used to be kind of curious, too. Remember the old Hannibal Heyes, Boy Detective, days when you would figure out stuff about people heart's beating faster when they're lying, or when you'd read Mark Twain and figure out about fingerprints? Nah, that wasn't you, was it? But can't we pretend there's some character continuity here?

    Lines We Just Had To Fold, Spindle, or Mutilate in Some Way:

    Lom (in the credits): The governor can't come out and give you amnesty now...
    Us:..because, frankly, we're not really sure just who the hell you are. Come to think of it, you don't look anything like Heyes, Heyes.

    Orville and Wilbur, the evil deputies (well, we invented the name Wilbur, because you never find out his name): What are you two doing here in Buffalo?
    Us: Well, we've got tickets for the Bills game, and then we thought we'd hit the Anchor Bar, where they invented the Buffalo chicken wing, and then up to Niagara Falls.

    Kid: "I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm sleepy, and I need a bath."
    Us:: "Whine much, Kid?"

    Orville: You're both under arrest,...
    Us:..and since I'm a big guy with a goatee and you've never seen me in another role on the show, you should assume I'm a professional.

    Heyes: You know, Kid, I don't think they like us much in Buffalo.
    Us: Maybe it would help if you'd stop wearing that Jets jersey.

    Frank Canton: What's the matter with you fellows?
    Curry: Well, Heyes is a new man
    Us: Literally.

    Frank: You're a smart fellow Heyes. You can figure out how to get the money.
    Us: But he sure can't figure out how to hold onto it!

    Deb: Look . . . Orville's dead . . . or just getting some sun. Hey, look . . . the horse is dead . . . or just getting some sun.

    Kid: You still thinkin'?
    Us: No, I gave that up earlier this season.

    Heyes: We're gonna take the money and the two deputies and go back to Buffalo.
    Us: (w/musical backing) Shuffle off to Buffa . . . Shuffle off to Buffa . . . Shuffle off to Buffalo . . .

    Curry: Remember back in Buffalo when we said, "What could go wrong?"
    Us: You didn't bet on the Bills to win the Superbowl again, did you?

    THE McCREEDY FEUD

    Amazing Guest Stars: Oh, Oh! It's our favorites! Burl and Cesar! Hurrah! Lots and Lots of Cesar, and it's an Action Mac episode. He actually *does* stuff. *And* we get a Go Kyle moment! And look it's Tyne Daly, no, Katy Jurado, as Carlotta Armendariz. Actually, for those of you who may be familiar with Broadway, what she really looks like is actress Donna Murphy in Stephen Sondheim's *Passion*. And the teleplay is by a WOMAN!!!!!! Will wonders never cease?

    Kid Curry Coiffure Moments: Darn! Nothing to say. Conditioner, a good haircut. Lookin' good, Kid. *Big* hair on Cesar, though.

    Excuse Me, But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s Costume Moments:

  • Kid, Kid, Kid. During second season, the Kid would *never* have walked around in his long underwear shirt and his vest for an entire episode. Rather undecorous for the 19th c., really. No shirt? And those flat shoes again. And flares. Ben is wearing his own clothes again, isn't he? But, we've spotted Pete's bandanna.
  • Quite the pair of chaps on Heyes, dude.
  • If Armendariz is so rich, how come he only wears one suit? And he even shares it with the Alcalde in Santa Marta. And, if we're not mistaken, with Jim West, from *The Wild, Wild West*.
  • Mac has some pretty awesome vests.
  • Carlotta's costumes actually look historically accurate -- except for the plucked eyebrows, of course.
  • And what *about* that abfab leopard skin dressing gown on Armendariz? Cesar, we swoon in your general direction.
  • Romance Ratings: Well, well, well . . . plenty of romance for . . . Big Mac McCreedy? Will wonders never cease?

    Slash Possibilities: None.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

  • Big Mac has . . . more hair than he did the previous season? But what's with the belching, Mac?
  • You made the poor Kid wince. "Squeeze a silver dollar until the eagle screamed?" The Kid certainly has a colorful turn of phrase.
  • Carlotta has the kind of beauty you can't put into words? But, uh, Heyes can put *anything* into words, remember?
  • The guys keep riding back and forth and back and forth between Mac's and Armendariz', and yet they never change their clothes. Geez, by the end of the episode, Armendariz' men could probably *smell* them coming.
  • Carlotta is very cool and has some very cool lines. It takes her a *long* time to fall for Heyes' plan, and heck, it works on Big Mac, too. But why does she have to touch her face in the mirror, in that classic "pretty? me?" gesture? Ick.
  • Heyes' ideas really are getting worse and worse.
  • Nice Mexican church, but Mac looks so wrong there. But there he goes up to the altar. Yep, it's Patrick J. McCreedy, going to talk to God, man-to-man.
  • And just why do Heyes and Curry want to go to Santa Marta, a town where they did *not* hit it off at all well with the alcalde, last time around?
  • And why, oh, why does Heyes decide they need to take Clem with them? Phooey!! Other than that Butch and Sundance took Etta with them to Bolivia. Instead of keeping up with the Joneses, this is the Joneses keeping up . . . . The Kid gets a good snark in on Heyes, though. When the Kid says the missing ingredient is brains, and Heyes says, no, it's Clementine, the Kid insists it is *definitely* brains.
  • And the Kid is really getting frayed, isn't he? He yells at Heyes, he yells at Mac . . . short tempered little thing. But pretty.
  • Okay, so how does the Devil's Hole Gang get from Wyoming to Mexico with like two days' notice? Must be the same way that on the X Files you can get from D.C. to Martha's Vineyard in like half an hour, no waiting for the ferry.
  • Go Kyle! Kyle has gotten a tough guy makeover.
  • And this week the Devil's Hole Gang will be played by . . . the Keystone Kops!
  • You know, after Big Jim went straight and Wheat never seemed to be around anymore, the Devil's Hole Gang really went to pieces, didn't it?
  • Okay, the guys are getting tired of being on the dodge, but they are really getting into conning people this season.
  • Miscellaneous Non-Snarks:

  • Carlotta is a worthy sister to the extremely cool Armendariz. She is machisma! Especially her line about telling Mac to "take me off the pedestal. It is uncomfortable there."
  • And Mac really goes for her -- at least he wasn't looking for a 19 year old bimbo. Go, Mac!
  • As for our favorite, Cesar, he is always shot from below so that he looks godlike.
  • Adorable Kid smile at the wedding.
  • Lines We Just Had to Mess With:

    Curry: Heyes, you've got a good head for figures.
    Us: Yeah, blondes, brunettes and redheads.

    Heyes: We told her you were a Catholic.
    Mac: How did you boys find that out?
    Us: Patrick J. McCreedy is a . . . Catholic? What a surprise! Not. Come on, guys, with a name like that the odds were at least four to one in favor.

    Heyes [spotting the bust]: Kinda like seeing an old friend.
    Us: Come off it, Roger. You've never seen it before in your life!

    Kid to Heyes: Your thinking is the one sure way of getting us into trouble.
    Us for Heyes: Right. And your Nobel Prize for Deep Thought is in the mail.

    Armendariz: You are both looking exceptionally well, did I mention that?...
    Us:...Although, Mr. Smith, did you cut your hair? You look different, somehow. But I can't put my finger on exactly how.

    Big Mac: Carlotta is a dried up old maid.
    Us: As opposed to you, Mac, you hip, swinging bachelor, you.

    Curry: Patrick J. McCreedy, fat?
    Us: Well, yeah . . . but most snowmen are, you know.

    Mac: How we gonna look for her?
    Deb: With your eyes, four-eyes.

    Carlotta: My brother is not an ungrateful man.
    Us: ...and he would be grateful particularly if you could find him a tailor who could make a new suit.

    Heyes: A decent Christian burial. It's what I'd do for Thaddeus.
    Curry: Thanks, Joshua.
    Us: And I'd do it for you . . . preferably tomorrow.

    Priest: And what God has joined together, let no man put asunder . . .
    Us:... not even Armendariz, who though godlike in camera angle . . . .

    Heyes: You can't get yourself killed twice.
    Us: Er, Heyes, maybe *you* can . . .

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