Season Two Snarks

Season One Snarks | Season Two Snarks | Season Three Snarks 

THE DAY THEY HANGED KID CURRY:

Amazing Guest Stars: Robert Morse, the always fabulous Walter Brennan as Silky O'Sullivan and Slim Pickens. Belinda Montgomery, who Deb informs us later appeared on The Man from Atlantis and as the mom on The Wonder Years. Earl Holliman is back as Wheat! And good old Dennis Fimple as Kyle, clueless as ever. Go Wheat! Go Kyle!!

Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments:

  • This is a pretty solidly good hair episode for Heyes. There were lots of nice hair moments, beginning with the court scene, and he got to get dressed up without slicking back his hair for once.
  • A good hair/suit moment is indeed notable in the annals of AS&J!
  • Catherine was very happy when Heyes' bangs flopped down.
  • In other Heyes moments -- when the sheriff was patting down Heyes, we wanted to offer our services as volunteers to conduct the search.
  • And Deb has come up with a new name for our kind -- dimple sluts!
  • We also figured out that Heyes' hat is in fact a mood indicator -- when he pushes the brim back, that's always a sign he's feeling good. That scene in the bar where his brim is practically down to his nose indicates *major* bum-out.
  • Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:

  • Since this was a 90 min. movie, they clearly put more into the costume budget. Curry has a nice teal shirt which really *does* make his eyes look good -- apparently he is under the mistaken notion that the pink pirate shirt does this, too.
  • Penny the Saloon Girl's bright yellow costume was pretty terrifying -- we were convinced that between the spangles and the color, the posse would spot them for sure.
  • And is she going to gallop across the West in that dress? There's absolutely *no* support, Deb moans.
  • Those hats Heyes and Curry are wearing to court -- quelle horreur!
  • And it's the plaid dress that shows up on all the women of the Old West! They must all be friends or something.
  • Some nice tight pants on Heyes and Curry both.
  • And a lovely dress on Walter Brennan.
  • Character Balance: Well, we never mind it when Heyes shows up first, but actually it turned out to be nicely balanced.

    Romance Rating: Nada. Penny goes for the faux-Kid. Guess she figured he had a better future on Broadway.

    Slash Potential: Um . . . Curry just keeps on with his bath when Heyes walks in the room? "Grandma" Walter Brennan batting "her" eyes at the sheriff.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

  • What is it with these Curry bath scenes? More specifically, what is it with these Curry bathing with a cigar scenes? Paging Doctor Freud. Catherine had flashbacks to the old Christopher Robin line, "Coming to see me in my bath?"
  • But there was a lovely Heyes shot in the foreground so all is forgiven.
  • The lady's age -- 21? Er, is that like her *fifth* 21st birthday or something?
  • And what a bloodthirsty crowd! Kinda takes us back . . . like to the French Revolution. "But I've got tickets for *today's* hanging -- I'll never get seats like these for Thursday's!" says Deb.
  • Wheat and Kyle are the inbred version of Heyes and Curry. *shudder*
  • And what *was* Heyes thinking, using a word like "finesse" in front of Kyle?
  • Those kids at the mineshaft -- Deb notes that *real* children would have explored. Only tv kids go run to tell someone.
  • Meanwhile, inside the mine, if the camera got any closer to Pete in some of those shots, you'd be getting a nosehair closeup.
  • The Kid called Heyes "Heyes" right in front of the sheriff, the deputy, and the entire jail. Deaf Lawmen of The Old West Ride Again.
  • And AAARRRGGGHHH! One of those sexist final moments -- "Never make a lady into a good friend" ???!!! You know, if we hadn't been so busy viewing this man as a mere sex object, you know, focusing on his dimple, his butt, his thighs, etc., *then* just imagine how angry we'd be. But who can take men *seriously*? They're just pretty to look at.
  • Miscellaneous Non-snarks: Heyes can't break a 20 to pay his cab fare: been there, done that!

    Quotes That We Just Had to Finish:

    The Faux-Kid: "I'm as good as a dead man . . . and with hair like this, who wants to live?"

    Heyes re. the Faux-Kid: "For the glamour and glory of being a real outlaw . . .just like Wheat and Kyle."

    Wheat: "I don't suppose that's the most beautiful lady in the whole town?"
    Deb & Catherine: "It's a very small town."

    Wheat to Heyes: "If he don't do the right thing you and the Kid had better take up Spanish lessons."
    Deb & Catherine: "They shoulda done that years ago."

    Telegraph Clerk to Wheat and Kyle: "You two got any identification?"
    Wheat and Kyle: "No, don't we look like the pictures on our wanted posters?"

    Heyes to Silky:"We know you can hang in there if things get rough."
    Deb on Silky's behalf: "Things can *get* rougher than wearing a corset?"

    Lines we had to Invent:

    Wheat to Kyle:"Now if you come along with me to rescue the Kid, I'll see about getting you to that orthodontist over in Carson City."

    Heyes in the sheriff's office: "I'm Hannibal Heyes and I can crack any safe ever invented, unless of course, the plot demands otherwise."

    BTW, have you ever noticed that *look* Heyes gets when he's cracking a safe? Catherine has nicknamed it "safegasm".

    HOW TO ROB A BANK IN ONE HARD LESSON:

    Amazing Guest Stars: Jack Cassidy. Apparently this is truly exciting to many people, possibly including most of you. Catherine admits that why this should be so eludes her, other than that he spawned all those teen idols of her youth.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments:

    • Heyes sews, he reads . . . what more can you want in a man? (Uh, breathing.)
    • Nice flying Heyes hair as he beats up Jack C.
    • And did we mention how much we enjoyed the wet Heyes scene? "Now that's what I call a beautiful view," says Jack, as he looks out the window at the bank. We agreed, but we weren't looking at the bank, thank you.
    • Heyes' hair is not slicked back for a change. Quite lovely.
    • Jack says the money is whispering, "Come and get me. Come and get me." We heard it too, but it wasn't the money.
    • Nice concentrating looks, stretching moments.
    • And a *lovely* Heyes hair moment as they confront Jack about the bomb.

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:

    • Once again decades ahead of the fashion, the Heyes and Curry cigar smoking scene reminded us of the oh-so-chic cigar bar scene that's current here in Manhattan. (Oops, better date this: 11/96 -- it'll probably be out of fashion next month.)
    • Nice tan on Ms. Pathological Liar -- guess she's never heard of SPF 15.
    • Clearly wardrobe owned one hair clip and every single woman who ever crossed their path is wearing it.
    • More short skirts on the girls. *Bad* wardrobers. What's this idea that women can ride in knee-length skirts, anyway? We would think it would be a particularly *uncomfortable* length.

    Character Balance: Subplots were nicely balanced, but you know where our attention was.

    Romance Ratings: A couple of frat boy moments, there, when they're dividing up the ladies, and when they're watching that oh-so-lame girls' swimming scene. Janet gets a serious snag on Curry about "easy money and lonely women" and how they went for it like hungry coyotes. First and only time we ever rooted for someone who was holding a gun on one of our boys. However while they're being sexist pigs, if you look at our comments above, we're not sure we're any better. Oh, and Curry acquits himself well, when he's lying prone atop Ms. Pathological Liar and completely resists her. It's nice to see he's got some standards.

    Slash Potential: Well, they're too busy being frat boys. Though you could certain put a certain spin on the Jack/Heyes dialogue (see above).

    Miscellaneous Snarking: Uh, huh? Sorry. We were too busy thinking how cute he looks when he's concentrating. Deb declares Pete to be the Myrna Loy of men. She says it has something to do with his nose. Okay, Deb.

    JAILBREAK AT JUNCTION CITY:

    Amazing Guest Stars: A very wonderful Jack Albertson. Oh, and the sheriff wasn't Adam West, but he sure seemed like he was doing an Adam West imitation. If he was any more wooden you could have built a bookcase out of him. Holy handcuffs, Batman -- it's Heyes and Curry.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: Well, thank *you*, cinematographer! Not only good hair moments, but good dimple moments, good profile moments. And that wonderful business face he does. Does this guy have a bad angle? We're still looking. And we're willing to look . . . and look . . . More inbred looking outlaws with bad hair. What the Old West really needed was a good hairdresser.

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:Hippies of the Old West? What is it with the guy with the long hair and the granny glasses, and the bandanna tied as a headband around his head? Did they just pull him off the street to use as an extra bandit or something? Purple Haze, man.

    Character Balance: Nice interplay between the boys.

    Romance Rating: Nada. Zip. Niente.

    Slash Potential: Well, if they'd've actually gotten the 20 years in jail . . .

    Miscellaneous Snarking:

    • When Ribs says "Heyes got brains" we said, "Yes, he can add. Imagine that."
    • When Brubaker introduced himself as the only lawyer in town, Catherine speculated on how that must limit his litigation practice.
    • And that tiny little gun Ribs used to escape: could it even have shot as far as where the deputy was sitting?

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarking: We loved the unison dismount!

    SMILER WITH A GUN:

    This snark is Lil's first ASJ Web Page snark and I must say I think she did a fine job.

    Amazing Guest Stars: Roger Davis (the man who has a very hard act to follow). Will Geer (Grandpa Walton!). I can just hear it now...'g'night Grandpa...g'night Heyes, er I mean Smith....

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: How hairy do ya want? Full false beards after only a month of not shaving!! It's a shame Heyes' beard hides the dimple, but nice unfettered hair for the boys, especially Heyes when he wakes up with a 'bedhead' the morning after the drunken revels! Thankfully the guys get cleaned up again, and manage to look really adorable - those dry cleaners of the Old West must be working overtime. I'm sorry to have to say this, but the concepts 'Roger Davis' and 'good hair day' seem to be alien to each other

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:The boys always look good in vests (I mean undershirts!) - the dust encrusted look is big this summer. Nice brown flares on Danny - I guess you'd call them bootcut nowadays. Danny gets one of the best outfits I've seen in the entire series - a typical Western baddie suit with flashy waistcoat (I mean vest!) and ribbon tie. Did I say how much I love the undershirts - just a peek-a-boo showing! And of course Lurene the Saloon Queen has the false eyelashes of the West - just leave 'em at the door, girl.

    Character balance: Curry seems to have an idea all on his own in this episode - he's learning fast! He also shoots Danny which me me cheering... I particularly liked the confrontational scenes when they first catch up with Danny - the boys are mean, moody and magnificent - lovely! The scene where they are watching the plate shooting contest is also very easy on the eye.

    Romance Rating: None. Except when Lurene said 'I don't know which one of you is more handsome' (I do).

    Slash rating: What about sweaty, drunken men cooped up in a cave for the past few months? I bet they came pretty close....There's also the bizarre wrestling antics just before they find the waterhole in the desert.

    Miscellaneous Snarks: Why was Danny the only one to get his shirt off? Why? :-( How come Curry gets completely wet and Heyes doesn't? Is that supposed to be a tan from the great outdoors life, or is it the 'haven't washed for weeks' look? Your'e right about the skinny Boys - if Pete hadn't already been dead twenty five years, I'd be worried about him! Terrible drunken revels scene in the cave, although apparently necessary to the plot. Great wildlife stock footage, though - is this the Living Desert, or what?

    SMILER WITH A GUN

    Okay, it's been guest-snarked, but did you *really* think we could let this one go by without getting our hooks into it? Not really, you didn't . . .

    Amazing Guest Stars:

    • Well, there's this guy called Roger Davis, and we have this odd feeling that we've seen him someplace before. One of those deja vu kind of feelings . . .
    • And Will Geer, sans Walton family.
    • And, while this isn't a guest *star*, we would like to point out that this episode was directed by our very own beloved Big Jim Santana, Fernando Lamas! And we do mean beloved. (Deborah, wipe up that puddle of drool . . . ) Oddly, episodes where Senor Lamas was somehow involved always seem to feature travelogue footage (you *do* remember Return to Devil's Hole?): in this episode, we get the Living Desert. "The Desert is a harsh, harsh companion," says Deb in her directorial Fernando voice. (Have I mentioned just how good her imitiation of Fernando's voice is, really?)

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments:

    • What artistic dirt smudges they have on their faces in the first scene -- and in *just* the same places. Now wouldn't you just *love* to know how and where that happened? (The makeup department is *not* an acceptable answer. ;-) )
    • Really, really, really bad hair on both of the guys at the mining camp. In fact, this may well be an all-time low in hair episodes.
    • Oddly, though, Pete's fake beard looks just like the *real* beards you can sometimes catch him wearing in other roles.
    • And the Kid looks absolutely great in the 'stache, after he shaves off the beard. Makes him look older, tougher . . . gives him more upper lip definition.

    Excuse Me, But Is This The 1870s or the 1970s Costume Moments:

    • How come in the whole West, Heyes is like the only guy wearing all black? Hannibal Heyes, you urban sophisticate, you.
    • As for Danny Bilson's shirt, it looks like he bought it at the gift shop at a dude ranch.
    • And *whine* how come Heyes and Curry are working in their undershirts while Danny is shirtless?
    • What's with the matching vest and shirt combo on Heyes and Curry? Are they posing for the cover of Meet the Beatles?
    • Nice ruffled shirt, Danny. What, are you dressed for the senior prom or something?
    • Hip haircut on the young guy with all the chest hair showing. He just forgot his gold chain.
    • Mini-decor snark: it's Bad Flocked Wallpaper of the Old West!

    Romance Rating: The only woman with a speaking role in the whole episode is Lurene the Saloon Girl, aka The Fastest Drinker in the West. Danny may have charmed her, but our guys have better taste than that.

    Slash Possibilities: Four guys, alone in the desert for months, sweaty and in various stages of undress . . .

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • Deb found out this really interesting tidbit a few months back, and this seems the right place to share it. Turns out there is a Hollywood tv producer called Danny Bilson, who was around when ASJ was being filmed, and is still around today. So, Roger's character's name is most likely an in-joke. The real Bilson has given us such televisual gems as Viper and The Sentinel. (Not sure if that's the currently-very-popular Sentinel, or the one starring a rap star that was on a few years ago . . . ) Deb, do you remember what others of them were?
      ummmm....not off the top of my head but I'll look it up. I'm pretty sure it's the one right now. Also, The Flash (deb)
    • She also makes an excellent point. This is one of *three* Fourth of July celebrations we see in the course of the series. Which kinda wrecks Heyes' line in "The McCreedy Feud" that they've been trying for the amnesty for six months. ASJ Continuity? Sometimes you see it (all those great recurring characters) and sometimes you just plain don't.
    • And sometimes there is too much...like those damn recurring costumes (deb)
    • Stockton. Wait? Another town *not* called Red Rock? Something feels . . . off . . . somehow.
    • All places are Red Rock. Red Rock is all places. So speaketh the webmistress
    • So, who donated the plates to the marksmanship contest anyway? They look like nice plates. Say, more expensive than the entry fee to the contest. Hmmm, something's a little suspicious 'round here . . . Especially when the fellow running it makes a mild little joke and the crowd goes wild with laughter. Could it be all part of a conspiracy . . . a conspiracy led by none other than . . . "Hi. I'm Roger Davis and I'm after your job." Either that or the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files.
    • No, no, no...there can be no Xfiles in ASJ. No cellular telephones.
    • And have y'all noticed that every town in the West has an amusing old codger, and most of said codgers have this peculiar desire to hire Heyes and Curry to do whatever plot-advancing job they just happen to have on hand?
    • All right, Heyes and Curry. You're exhausted, you're in the middle of nowhere, and you've just made a *lot* of money mining. So you're going to sit around in a cave with an old guy and a man you don't trust, get really drunk, and sing "Sweet Betsy from Pike"? Like, wouldn't it make more sense to go into town, get the money safely divided, clean up, and *then* go get drunk at some nice saloon where the babes are? And you'd think they'd begin to *notice* that whenever they get drunk they get ripped off, kidnapped, stranded, beaten up by Mexican bandits and the like. Like, duh, guys. Of course, when Heyes gets drunk, he has this tendency to want to sing. And when Heyes sings, he brings down the wrath of the gods. Or the muses, anyway. [Your snarkers wait for the howl of angry protests to die down and continue.] Actually, the guys do seem educable. Later on, when they're looking at how fast Lurene drinks, and after the bartender tells them he needs the glasses back, Heyes in particular makes a lot of funny faces. The guys are sort of off the drink after that desert thing, we'd say.
    • And in that poignant moment as Heyes and Curry look down at Seth's body, deep sadness in their eyes, we see . . . a microphone at the top of the screen.
    • Just wondering . . . when Danny takes all their stuff, he takes Curry's special gun, right? So what does Curry shoot him with? They're stuck in the desert with no money, and yet they manage to get into town, get cleaned up, and travel looking for Danny. Uh?
    • Hey, Kid! You're in the middle of the desert with nobody around. You can call out Heyes' real name at the top of your lungs! . . . And goshdarnit, that's just what he does!
    • Heyes' neck seems to be missing as he crosses the room to watch Danny getting called out. There's his head, and there are his shoulders but . . . *insert fake Steve Martin accent* he has no neck.
    • Matherville Saloon? *Another* town not named Red Rock? In the same episode? Will wonders never cease!
      See above statement from webmistress re: places
    • Bye-bye Danny! Laughing and smiling even in death . . . .

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarks:

    • Interesting reactions when they realize Danny is gone. The Kid is really showing his feelings, but Heyes seems so calm and competent -- is that *because* he's so angry?
    • When they find the water, and Heyes throws himself on the ground and kind of laps it like a cat? Catherine recently did the same thing at a mountain stream, following the example of a hiking buddy. So apparently this was Pete bringing his experience with wilderness camping into the role.
    • All right, we've given this some thought, and we think Kid Curry is a good and honorable soul . . . but we also think Danny's death warrant was sealed when Seth died. When Heyes tells Danny that they're leaving town in ten minutes, he seems to have a pretty good idea what's going to happen next . .. .

    Lines We Just Had to Do Something Awful To:

    Heyes: The world is full of people named Jones and Smith.
    Deb: Saving the Earth from the scum of the universe?

    Did I mention that I love Tommy Lee a lot? (deb)

    Seth: He's always smilin', win or lose.
    Catherine: That's because his face is stuck.

    Seth: It'll be the hardest work you young bucks have ever done in your lives.
    Us: Harder than keeping it straight that Walter Brennan played both Silky O'Sullivan and the old trail cook in the same season, while on the other hand, Lom Trevors was played by three different actors? We think not!

    Danny: Who needs steak when we have all these beans?
    Deb: Danny Bilson, you'll have to come with us. You're under arrest under the Ned Flanders Act, for cheerfulness beyond all human toleration, which is a capital crime. You have the right to remain silent . Anything you do say will be used against you . . .

    Danny: No reason why you couldn't tell me . . . .
    Deb: Except that it's been telegraphed throughout the entire episode that you're lying, cheating scum, Danny.

    Danny: We're friend now, right, partners? We got no secrets from each other . . . for example, Heyes, I'm after your job.

    Lurene: I don't know which of you two's the better looking . . .
    Us: We do. (But to be fair, the other one's not bad, either . . . )

    Danny: Talking, if that's what you want to do.
    CatherineUs for Heyes: Actually, I wanted to ask you for this dance.

    Danny: It's all just as clear as this gin right here.
    Deb: Which, since this is tv and all, is actually a glass of water, but it *is* still quite clear.

    Young Guy With The Hip 1970 Haircut: I'm coming back to kill you, Bilson.
    Catherine: Yeah, young feller . . . you got thrown out of a saloon. Definitely worthy of killing.

    Danny: Now you boys didn't think I was gonna give up this gold mine, did you?
    Catherine (looking nervously at Kid Curry's expression): Bad choice of words, Danny-dude. Or Invent: Curry: Bilson has to be stopped . . .
    Heyes: Before he can invent some tv series about a high tech crime fighting car.

    Curry: You know, Heyes, we'd make much better time without the old man.
    Heyes: What's the script say? (Consults script) Oh, don't worry, he won't be with us much longer.

    NOTE: Actually, they're very sweet to Seth, and we're very touched *sniff* by it.

    THE POSSE THAT WOULDN'T QUIT:

    This snark is our very first guest snark. Anne, inspired by the blathering she has found on this page, has snarked through this episode and for that we thank her. We also snarked this episode and that snark is found later on the page. Just scroll down for know. I'll link it later.

    Amazing Guest Stars: Vera Miles

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: He wears a neck scarf around his head as a bandana in this one, and still looks great. How many men can do that? His hair seems a little shorter here and in one scene he has a full fringe - very Beatles style!!

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:well, Curry sports a very 70s moustache throughout.

    Character balance: about even, although the two little girls both seem to have crush on Heyes - and who can blame them.

    Slash rating: well, they are in the bunk house in this one. Although the underwear rating is high. Curry in pink combinations (to match his red shirt, you;re right about his choice of colours). Heyes is in plain white. However, we do get a glimpse of hairy chest from him (does this count as a Hannibal Heyes Hair Moment?)

    Other Highlights: Heyes sings "Tis a gift to be simple" a number of times, which makes me go completely weak! One of my all time favourite moments. OK it's one of my favourite episodes, I've got a soft centre - I like this sentimental and far-fetched storyline. The mother is taken to court in this, but if anyone knows the story, I would have thought that the father could have been equally quilty, and society at that time would have made him carry the blame. However, the boys wouldn't have had the opportunity to be so winsome if this had been the case.

    THE POSSE THAT WOULDN'T QUIT:

    Catherine would like to announce that Anne James is a much nicer person than either she or Deborah. Be prepared for a particularly vicious snarking experience.

    Amazing Guest Stars: Vera Miles, and . . . Marcia and Jan Brady? Oh, no, their names are Lisa and Cindy Eilbacher. No wonder they look so much alike. Deb figures they must have been somebody important's daughters.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments:

    • Actually, this Hair Moment features both Heyes and Curry because . . . hair is just so memorable, isn't it? They both look all dirty and messy. We like it when they don't look like they're riding the range with a hairdresser and wardrobe staff in tow.
    • Heyes is doing that Rambo bandanna look. Well, it works better on him than it does on Sylvester Stallone, but that's not necessarily saying much.
    • And with Curry, it's the incredible disappearing mustache. This was a badly edited chase sequence -- Curry has the mustache, then he doesn't, then he does again. And they're riding different horses. You know, the actors were giving it their best -- could somebody else have tried a little harder?

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:

    • Well, there's not much wildly out of period on the adults. However, we have the Brady girl hairdos in court. And those extremely 1880s ponytails the girls are wearing earlier . . . yeah, right. Oh, and the little girls whining about having to put on dresses, yuck. You know, sometimes life just s*cks, Bridget. Or are you Beth? This is the *19th* century, girls, remember?
    • Some lovely long underwear on the guys and a particularly *nice* shot of Heyes in his longjohns. *sigh* But, oh my goodness is he *thin*!
    • We get a nice Curry butt shot later on, and a lovely shot of Heyes, in trousers and henley top open to reveal a good deal more of his chest . . . and chest hair . . . than we usually get to see. That alone is worth sitting through this episode!
    • And, lookie, it's a different Heyes vest. We never see this one again, do we? Pity, that.
    • In the courtroom scene -- Good Curry suit. Bad Curry hat. Very bad Curry hat hair. We suppose he had to get a new suit after they lost the saddlebags!

    Character Balance: Yeah. They even each get their own adoring preteen.

    Romance Rating: Well, there's none, really, except that this whole episode is a wish-fulfillment fantasy for *Tiger Beat* and *Flip* readers. You know, the kind of swooning eleven year olds who used to read articles like "Could You Be Pete's or Ben's Dream Date?" (Answer: Only if Vladimir Nabokov is writing it, Lolita, honey.) Do magazines like that exist anymore? Of course, the guys are just sweet and big brotherly, but we still wanted to smack the little girl who had her hand on Heyes' shoulder the whole time. And then he plays guitar while *she* sings? Heeeeellllllppppp meeeeeeee . . . Hannibal Heyes, babysitter? "Hey mom, can we get that Joshua Smith to sit for us again? Please? He let us stay up late and eat lots of candy, and he showed us how to play the guitar. And he's sooooo cuuuute." Although we have to admit it is cute when the little girls try to hustle the Kid and he hustles them right back. Go, Kid. And, you know, for all that Marcia and Jan here annoyed us, they *are* take charge kinda gals. They are going to grow up and *own* that casino in Denver, and then they won't be interested in a couple of washed-up ex-outlaws, anyway.

    Slash Potential: Well, as Anne mentions, they do have the bunk house to themselves.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • Just generally, although there are things to like about this episode, it really bothers us. It's such a teen magazine fantasy, and such a contrast to some of the very real, very artistically valid episodes like "Bounty Hunter."
    • Okay, okay, so Heyes sings *less* badly than usual in this one. But does he have to do it so many *times*? While over in Wales Anne goes completely weak, here in NYC, Catherine and Deb roll their eyes. Curry gets to sleep through one of the singing scenes and we only wish that we could, too.
    • We hear a chicken but there are no animals to be seen in the barnyard. Odd, that.
    • Er, what's wrong with this picture: Heyes is all tied up, but he's sitting there with his legs crossed?
    • Oh, yes, we can really see Heyes and Curry in the Wyoming Pentitentiary getting letters from 12 year old girls.
    • And we get the same stock gambling footage from "Journey to San Juan."
    • Not to mention Heyes footage from the same episode, which is why he suddenly has better sideburns and that same outfit he wore in Mexico.
    • Badly Dressed Lawyers of the Old West strike again.
    • How can you say such awful things about Marcia and Jan Brady, Mister Prosecutor?
    • And how come we don't get to hear the defense?
    • You now, a criminal trial would *never* end with the statement for the prosecution. "I got no choice but to sentence ya?" Judges from Brooklyn in the Old West?
    • Jedediah Curry. Deb: "No middle name?" Catherine: "If your name was Jedediah, would you have *time* for a middle name?"
    • You know, Curry lost the coin toss with Heyes and that's why he had to give himself up? That same coin Heyes always tosses? Don't you think Curry would have gotten a clue by now?
    • As the camera just happens to focus on that surprisingly raffishly attractive drunkard lying in the other cell . . . and gosh darn it if it isn't a cleverly disguised Heyes . . . Boy that wasn't telegraphed a mile away or anything.

    Miscellaneous NonSnarks:

    • Favorite line: Heyes: Maybe they'll give us adjoining cells. Curry: That's what I'm afraid of."
    • Other than the lovely long underwear scenes, the best thing about this episode is the mother. She looks like someone real, unlike most of the women in this show. You know, just a little eyeliner, but no major false eyelashes or silly hair. Better yet, she has a spine. She *takes* their guns when she gives them a ride. You mean we've run into one of the few people in the Old West with common sense? Hallelujah.
    • Okay, the final scene is just adorable with Heyes looking thoroughly disreputable and Curry looking oh so respectable, and both of them just as cute as can be.

    Lines We Just Had To Finish:

    Posse Leader: "You've got yourself a couple of profitable prisoners."
    Dad: "Actually we were going to keep them as sex slaves for our daughters for when the girls hit puberty in a couple of years."

    When someone asks Curry if he's hungry, he says, "I hate to admit it but the answer is yes." Like the answer is *ever* no?

    Marcia (or is it Jan?): "Mom, what's a Jezebel?" Mom: "Someone who puts her hands all over Hannibal Heyes' shoulder when she's in her nightgown."

    SOMETHING TO GET HUNG ABOUT:

    Amazing Guest Stars: Meredith MacRae, sporting such heavy hair and eyelashes that it's a wonder she could hold her head upright. And Monte Markham, whom Deb recognized and Catherine didn't, but who is quite decorative in any case.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: Well, this episode had lots of Hannibal Heyes moments, period. Nice horse mounting shot! Nice hat-tipping-back moment. Major Heyes facial expressions. Nice rear views. Okay, you get the picture. We enjoyed this one. Oh, and he reads! Very cool. Good Curry hair episode, too. Nice and fluffy. The lawyer had the Combover From Hell, and Meredith MacRae has Versailles Hair. Could it be any taller or more elaborate, and can anyone actually imagine hair could be that large without artificial enhancements?

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:

    • Monte Markham wears the pink pirate shirt. Can there never be an episode without this shirt?
    • And it's False Eyelashes of the Old West time again.
    • Nice black shirt on Heyes.
    • When Curry and Monte Markham started to strip down to fight, we had our hopes. But then someone *does* take his shirt off and it's not Curry *or* Heyes. We'd like to register a protest.

    Character Balance: No complaints. Curry gets some good fight scenes. Heyes gets some good lying-in-bed-and-reading scenes. When Heyes is reading and Curry is bored, and Curry threatens to get his own book . . . oh yeah, sweetie. We believed you. Uh-huh.

    Romance Rating: nope.

    Slash Potential: If Curry *really* wanted to get Heyes to put down the book, we're sure he could think of something. Heck, we could.

    Miscellaneous Snarking:

    • Deb notes she can be kind to Curry once she's seen a really good Heyes butt shot. She then went on immediately to compliment Curry on his hair and his sincere facial expression.
    • Catherine, who teaches freshman English, was greatly pained by the bad grammar moment they shared where Curry wonders if "doesn't" is correct English and Heyes assures him it's "don't." However, we were both tickled by Curry's wonderful line: "Mark Twain? Now there's an alias if I've ever heard one. Wonder what he's wanted for?" Catherine can remember having to shelve Twain books under "C" for "Clemens" when she worked in a library in high school. Duh. Like *anyone* ever looked there.
    • Deb says that fingerprinting wasn't confirmed to be individual until 1889 or so but the Twain book in question was written in 1883, so that dates the episode oddly.
    • We wonder when they were casting the parts if anyone told them how often they'd be riding uphill with their hands tied.
    • And we've now actually heard the Old West equivalent of "Let's do lunch." Our lives are complete.

    SIX STRANGERS AT APACHE SPRINGS

    Amazing Guest Stars: Directed by Nicholas Colasanto. Coach!!! Oh, come on, you *know* you watched *Cheers*.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Ratings: Good hair day. When the Kid takes his hat off for Sister Grace, though, heís having a major cowlick moment -- sort of hard to tell if itís Kid Curry or Alfalfa. Later in the episode, some pretty serious bad hair for both of the guys.

    Excuse Me, But Is This The 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings: Sister Grace is actually rather pretty. Itís the lack of false eyelashes. Caroline is the lone female in trousers in the entire series. (Did it occur to anyone else that maybe sheís auditioning for ďAnnie Get Your GunĒ?) Apache Springs, Town of Women in Bad Hats: Graceís Salvation Army bonnet, Carolineís Civil War Guy hat, and Mrs Fieldingís wide-brimmed straw number.

    Character Balance: Pretty good stuff. You get Heyesflesh and Kidkissing, all in one episode.

    Romance Rating: Yum, damp Heyes flesh. We paused at the bath scene. He looks so happy and clean! Oh, not *us*. The Kid inspires Sister Grace to new depths of depravity . . . look, she kissed him, the hussy. Actually, theyíre kind of sweet. Though itís a little icky, the way that Grace seems to feel her whole life has been magically transformed once the Kid kissed her. Frivolous, me?

    Slash Potential: Smithers the desk clerk is definitely checking them out. Although thatís not the kind of slash any of us had in mind.

    Miscellaneous Snarking:

    • Deb: Once you get into four digits, Heyes gets that shifty look.
    • Get the feeling Barneyís not really dead? That heís sitting upstairs in a rocker, in a creepy shuttered room? ďOh, Barney, we have visitors..Ē
    • Damsel in distress alert! Chick in Salvation Army bonnet at oh-two-hundred. And how did a nice boy like Kid Curry get started on the road to outlawry? Heíd have made a fine doorman.
    • We get one lousy 30 second Heyes bath scene in the entire series. And how many dozens of Kid baths? And how often does he parade around half-naked? Not that we mind Kidflesh, of course, but . . . itís just not fair! Also, judging by the time we see Heyes with his henley mostly unbuttoned, in ďThe Posse That Wouldnít Quit,Ē he must have . . . uh . . . shaved for this scene.
    • Mrs. Fielding is snarking her husband. We knew there was something about that woman that we liked.
    • You know, Sister Grace, if you polish that glass anymore, thereís not gonna be any glass yet.
    • Caroline makes things so unnecessarily complicated. Deb thinks her hatís too tight. Catherine things Barney ran off to Mexico with a Chirokawa maiden.
    • Grace and those little moist glances. Sheís like a human puppy dog. Instead of the Kid kissing her, you could almost see him patting her on the head.
    • Zoom in on the stock Indian footage. Of course, this is one of the first episodes ever where itís actually been acknowledged that there were any Native Americans in the West.
    • Uh-oh. Itís the peppy AS&J music. Ten paces? Those are *not* Caroline-sized paces, guys.
    • And the Indian looks like Tony from Staten Island in a wig.
    • And the fog follows Mrs. Fielding in -- what is this, London calling?
    • Check out the C loves B in the heart carved there. They must have been a really scary couple.
    • He said run for it, not canter for it! Hey, letís saunter for it!
    • It may be six *strangers* in Apache Springs, but just how many *burros*? Theyíre running through them like they had an endless supply. The Burro Farms of Apache Springs.
    • In Boston, Sister Grace worked in a mission for Unfortunate Men. Like Kyle?
    • Uh-oh. The Kidís got a nice crisp white shirt on. Always a sign heís about to enter flirt mode.
    • Those gambling and saloon fight scenes are so obviously bad stock footage. Pete and Ben must have been *so* embarrassed shooting those reaction shots. *Badly* edited fight.
    • Graceís preaching scene is so painful itís practically cringeworthy. And she has no forehead.
    • Nice outfit, Mrs. Fielding. Your shirt isnít *quite* transparent, but pretty close.
    • What are they drinking at the end? Margaritas?
    • And now itís the Meandering Alias Smith & Jones theme . . .

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarking: Whenever Pete whistles, his whole body language changes.

    Classic lines, here:

    • ďI like it when youíre worried, Kid. I can trust you to look after me better.Ē
    • ďAnd in Spanish, your tongue isnít silver.Ē (Hey, guys, can we interest you in a Berlitz course?)

    Lines We Just Had To Torment:

    Heyes (in intro): Thatís a good deal?
    Deb for Lom: What did I just say, Heyes? Best one youíre gonna get. Hey, I hauled my ass all the way to Cheyenne to get this deal for you guys. If you donít like it, get in the cell. Now. Geez, he asks me this every single week, like somethingís gonna change. No, Heyes, guess, what, this week I got you community service with the local YWCA. Youíll teach the girls swimming. (Lom stalks off in disgust.)

    Caroline: I hope you two wonít think Iím forward but . . . two fine goodlooking men always arouse my curiosity.
    Deb: Iím with Caroline on that. Not with her on the hat and suspenders, though.
    Catherine: Caroline, you hussy. Curiosity, yeah, right.

    Heyes: We do almost anything maíam. Weíre not ashamed. As long as itís not hard on the back.
    Us: Weíre sure we can come up with a position where it wonít be hard on the back. Ehem. Minds out of gutters. Now.

    Caroline: I think Iíve found just what Iím lookiní for -- young, healthy, footloose, and not too smart.
    Deb: Ya think?

    Caroline: You consider work reasonable?
    Catherine for Heyes: What are our other options?

    Caroline: They could pin you to a Christmas tree and I wouldnít look
    Deb: If you pinned him to a Christmas tree, Iíd convert.

    Caroline: Land grabbiní bloodthirsty Chirokowa . . .
    Catherine: And from whom did you grab the land?

    Mrs. Fielding: What is there to do in Apache Springs.
    Deb for Heyes: Well, I took a bath, and Grace is polishing that damn glass over and over again.

    Heyes: Well, no oneís ever accused us of being too sensible, have they?
    Catherine: Uh, no. Thatíd be a *big* no.
    Deb for Heyes: Iím having good windblown hair now, please focus on it.

    Mr F.: Thatís kind of you Jones, but I did very poorly.
    Catherine: Youíre too hard on yourself, thatís your wifeís job.

    Kid: Iíve listened to a lot of evangelists before
    Catherine: Pop quiz time.

    Mrs. F: No family? No wives?
    Heyes: Not even one wife.
    Catherine: Brigham Young came up once already this episode, didnít he?

    Caroline: Why donít you tell me you were robbed by elves in little green hats?
    Deb for the guys: Because you keep telling us you were married to a large purple dinosaur.

    Caroline: Do something like a man!
    Deb for Smithers: But . . . Iím not a man. Iím Smithers.

    Catherine for Kid: Grace, what are you doing here? You ruined my big exit scene -- now Iím going to have to kiss you goodbye all over again.

    Grace: And so I decided I can enjoy life and not be frivolous.
    Deb for Heyes: Kid, you made us miss the stage for *that*?

    NIGHT OF THE RED DOG

    Amazing Guest Stars: William Windom, in a completely different role from the other role he played on ASJ. (Oh, like that's a surprise.) Some guy who looks like he escaped from the Rat Pack. And featuring Rory Calhoun, who made an entire career out of being old geezers. (He probably got cast as the Old Man in his second grade play, liked powdering his hair gray and went from there)

    Character Balance: Couldn't be more perfect. Lots of both the guys, lots of awwww moments.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Ratings: OK, this is a so-so hair episode for Heyes. Catherine gives it a thumbs-up, mostly, because she has a soft spot for men with longer hair, but Deborah feels that it was at the awkward growing out phase where it feathered a lot. She contends that the world is not ready for Farrah Fawcett Heyes. Kid Curry gets two resounding thumbs up. It's all curly and festive and blond and fabulous . . . can you tell we like it? Except at the very end, when both guys have Very Bad Hair Days under the Hats from Hell.

    Excuse Me, But is this the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings: Since there were no women in this episode except for Florence the Saloon Girl (of whom more later), and since the women's costumes are usually where they screw up the worst, this was perforce a reasonable costume episode. Florence, we note, is one of the few women in the entire West who does not wear the One Universal Plaid Dress. Heyes looks so fabulous in the black shirt, but why can't they have given him black pants, too? Would it have screamed "bad guy"? Because it really would have been a much better look. Later on he goes for the safari look, khaki shirt over tan pants. Heyes in an undershirt, in a Puckish mood. Curry in an undershirt. Nice panning for gold scenes of both. What is with all the boot shots of Heyes? Did they buy him new boots and want to show them off? The long johns and shirt, but no pants, outfit is very appealing on Heyes. (Kinda like that long shirts and leggings look we were all wearing in the late 80s. He's got the legs for it.) And our lives are somehow more complete having seen Kid Curry fastening his trousers. Unfortunately, the episode ends with them wearing the suits from Hell. Maybe neither of us has seen an episode in awhile, but ugh! Kid Curry's is just a bad color and doesn't fit him. But Heyes . . . somehow that suit and hat transform him from being one of the Most Adorable Men in the West into a geeky-looking leprechaun.

    Slash Moments: All those men alone in a cabin for all those months? Hmm, now. OTOH, not a heck of a lot of privacy. Though there was the supply closet . . . Kid Curry looked all cozy there when he was sick.

    Romance Ratings: Back to Florence the Saloon Girl. OK, check out the look Heyes gave her. For one thing, "uh, Mister Heyes, my face is up a little further, thank you." And that "Ooooh, hot mama" look, and then the regretful shake of the head. Heyes, she's a saloon girl. She's for hire. Just go for it, already.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • How can we not love an episode where Hannibal Heyes, Boy Detective, singlehandedly invents the lie detector; where Curry collapses backwards and Heyes' voice goes all high and squeaky with concern (awwww); where Kid Curry rules the card table, and on and on and on.
    • However, we are so very good at hurting the ones we love, that we find ourselves able to snark on at length.
    • First up, Dr. Chauncey Beauregard? What kind of a name is that? Why not name him Dr. I-am-a-pretentious-git and have done with it? And Clarence "Olds" for the old miner? When he was younger his name was "Young" and then there was that long middle-aged period where he was just confused, but now he's settled into his new identity.
    • What a generous old dying man. Much more generous than the average old dying man on this show.
    • Let's all go up to the mine. Oh, yes, we're looking forward to spending quality time with a bunch of random strangers who we pretty much already can't stand. Yippee.
    • Hey, the Kid can count!
    • Dr. Beauregard wants to be the alpha male. Which is too bad for him because he's a lot further down the alphabet.
    • "You're suggesting some of us aren't as trustworthy as we ought to be," says the good-looking man in the prone position. So what's up, Pete, method acting? "You know, I'm really tired today, so I think my character is tired. Yeah, that's it. He's really tired, and he's going to converse lying down."
    • Pretty much everything everyone says makes sense to the Kid. Kinda worries us.
    • Nice rear view as they walk away from panning for gold. Thank you, Mr. Director. They turn around and what do they see? 8 million teenage girls panting.
    • Deb says that from a distance Heyes looks like Davy Jones. (in the first bending down over the place they hid the gold dust scene) Catherine says that he would have to be bending over, in order to appear as a full-height Davy Jones.
    • Young guy's not greedy. Nice Billy. Have a cookie.
    • And the Doc overshares. Medical school here, medical school there. You know, Doc, these guys aren't dumb. The Kid's been keeping track. "Okay Doc, so you've been in medical school in Atlanta, Baltimore, Boston, Toronto, Vienna, Chicago . . . they keep throwing you out or what?"
    • Oops, the old dead guy isn't so dead after all. "Dang ninny, I ain't even a little dead." "Sorry, it's just that I'm a really, really bad doctor with a really pretentious name."
    • You know, guys. Maybe you should just give the Doc your gold. Maybe then he'd go off and not practice medicine anymore and the whole world would be a safer place.
    • And Heyes and Curry's gold dust is stolen. It can't have been an outsider, and it can't have been Clarence. Uh-oh. Yes, it's Country House Weekend Mysteries of the Old West. At least we know the butler can't have done it, if only because they don't have a butler.
    • Being trapped in a one room cabin with a thief? Er, yeah, well, with a couple of notorious outlaws, too.
    • Jason, the guy who suggests the card game, looks like a charter member of the Rat Pack.
    • And the Kid collapses. Poor sick Curry. Here's where Heyes runs to him and does the high squeaky concerned voice and we rewatch the scene repeatedly. Everyone together now: Awwwwwww.
    • Look, kids, it's a 19th century stethoscope! It looks oddly like a stethoscope from circa 1971. And in one fell swoop, Heyes invents the lie detector. Only one thing . . . he proves it because the doctor is lying when he says he's a real doctor. But at the end of the episode, guess what. It kinda looks like he was . . . a real doctor.
    • Heyes using the stethoscope/lie detector on the doctor. "I am not mad and I am not lying and I am going to kill you at any moment."
    • And now it's a serious hurt/comfort moment. Heyes comforts Curry, and boy is it adorable. Let's all stop now for another big Awwwwwww.
    • Curry staggers back to his feet, and what is his first thought. Is it "I'm hungry?" "I'm thirsty?" "I wanna change out of these clothes I've been wearing for the past three months?" No, it's "So, I wanna get back in the card game!" Food, shelter, clothing, and poker, the four basic necessities of life.
    • The card game. Montana Red Dog. Lightning flashes, thunder rumbles ominously, wolves howl, and from somewhere off camera an organ begins to play "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" Note that everyone except the Doc knows about Montana Red Dog. Note that nobody actually warns him. Well, except Clarence, sort of.
    • The reason Heyes is such a good gambler is because he can keep track of all the cards in his head. The Doctor obviously . . . can't. And he bets emotionally. The perfect Montana Red Dog Sucker.
    • Hey, Kid Curry gets tough, calling in his debts. [At this point, Deborah's tape cuts to commerical. Oh, look, it's a Mormon commercial. Followed by a Rush Limbaugh commercial. So, just who exactly do they think is watching this show?]
    • And we cut to ASJ travelogue time, aka the Stock Footage that Ate Tokyo. Very pretty. Very, very stock.
    • And the old man is taking a bath. This is actually a great deal more of Clarence than we would have wished to see. And what's with Jason's shortie wrap robe? Uh, that's real 19th century, costume people. Wake up! What, did he steal it from his hotel in proto-Las Vegas?
    • And the money's gone . . . this time Heyes is disbelief guy. They gambled hard for that money . . .
    • You know, Ralph the undertaker just spent the whole winter with them in that mining camp. Hope nobody in town needed to die or be buried or anything while he was away. Death takes a Holiday, indeed.
    • Heyes using the stethoscope/lie detector on the Kid: "You know, you're a little weird sometimes, did I ever mention that?" Yeah, especially because when the Kid questions Heyes, he gets all miffed. And the winner is Jason, who hopes to found Las Vegas with his ill-gotten gains, so that there will be a Rat Pack for him to join.
    • And somehow we just magically end up in San Francisco, dreadful suits and call. The Dr. Chauncey Beauregard Hospital Wing? Yikes. While the Kid makes his moral little speech, Heyes gives him a look of such disgust, as if to say, Don't speak to me, Don't talk to me, I'm walking away from you right now, and if you follow, do it at a distance.

    Lines We Just Had to Fold, Spindle or Mutilate:

    Heyes (in the intro): That's a good deal?
    Deborah: Well, it's better than slamming your sorry asses in jail, whiner.

    Dr. Beauregard: His heart is very faint. His condition is grave.
    Deb for Clarence: Dern that HMO, anyway. I distinctly checked the "no puns" category in my physician request form.

    Kid: Maybe we've finally got it made!
    Catherine: Kid, never say that. Whenever you say that, you and Heyes are doomed.

    Kid: I don't think God meant for us to be rich.
    Catherine: Now you're catching on.

    Deb for Heyes: $15,000? Now I can finally afford that haircut.

    Kid: Now we can get us down to South America and just disappear.
    Catherine: Yes, as the only two non-Spanish speaking people in the whole continent. Geez, guys, take some Spanish lessons already.

    Heyes: Now you're starting to think like me.
    Catherine: Be afraid, Kid. Be very afraid.

    Heyes: Why's it cold?
    Deborah: That would be the fluffy white stuff.

    Heyes to Curry: You know, sometimes you're hard to get along with.
    Deborah: Heyes just hates seeing someone else get the moment.

    Heyes: We're pretty cowardly, at least when it comes to gambling.
    Deborah: Heyes, you've never seen a poker game you didn't like. While on the other hand, we haven't seen you running into any bullrings lately . . .

    Curry: Luck of the righteous, boys.
    Catherine and Deb are rendered speechless

    DREADFUL SORRY CLEMENTINE:

    Amazing Guest Stars: Sally Field as Clem, queen of perkiness and deceit, and a totally abfab Don Ameche as Diamond Jim.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Ratings: Well, Heyes' hair is undistinguished in this episode, but Curry is having a really good hair day. No more dead sheep. Must've found some new hair care products -- hey, don't hate him because he's beautiful. Clementine gets the "more hair than any human head could possibly hold" award for what looks like her hair plus a couple of wigs.

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings?:

    • Heyes dressed up -- very nice.
    • The costumers like her, they really like her -- Clem gets actual period costumes, with bustles and everything, and her hair is *up* for most of the episode! How refreshing.
    • Curry's skin-tight ruffled shirt with the darts in back, the one he wears when he's doing his Ashley Wilkes impersonation, is just *so* Ricky Ricardo. Bring on the bongos!
    • And it's the return of the pink pirate shirt. Curry must think it does something for the color of his eyes. (on bad repro tapes, it's pink so yes, we know it's really red. We just think pink is funnier )
    • What are they carrying while they're waiting for the train -- cricket bats? Oh, no, they're rifles.

    Character Balance: Nice Heyes and Curry ensemble episode. Character *balance*, on the other hand -- at various times both of the guys stand with their shoulders thrust back so far we were just waiting for them to topple over.

    Romance Rating: So what *is* it with Clem, anyway? That's a pretty serious Curry kiss, and a sweet little kiss with Heyes, and lots of jealousy between the guys. "At least we won't have to fight it out over who gets Clem," says Heyes. Uh, howsabout you guys ask her who *she* likes? And if she can't make up her mind . . . maybe that tells you a little about the depth of her feelings, eh? Okay, okay, so we thought Clem was a bit of a hussy -- this is supposed to be the Nineteenth Century, after all. You know -- repression and all that? Victorians? Hello?

    Slash potential: That scene with Clem and Heyes on the bed and Curry perched nearby was just screaming three-way.

    Miscellaneous snarking: Mostly about Clem. Setting aside the Sally Field angle, this character really annoyed us. Blackmailing your friends? We'd hate to see what she does to the people she doesn't like. Deb comes straight out and says Clem is simply a repulsive young woman. You really have to wonder whose idea it was that this was a charming and irresistible character. We found her quite resistible. (Jealous, us? What on earth gives you that idea?) The scene with the drunk, where Heyes is trying to steal the photograph from the hotel safe, feels like a bad Lucy episode. And the music? Let's not even go there.

    Miscellaneous non-snarking: Clever little scam. Heyes was extremely cool. Don Ameche was extremely cool, too. Nice to see the boys as con artists. When Heyes is asked who his principles are, we replied for him, in unplanned unison, "I *have* no principles."

    BOUNTY HUNTER:

    Amazing Guest Stars: A really young Lou Gossett, Jr., in an amazing performance.

    It's really hard to snipe at this excellent episode which takes on racism in the Old West but refuses to sentimentalize or provide a cheap and easy reconciliation. We were absolutely amazed at how ahead of its time it was. The only easy exception is Curry's rose-colored lace-front cotton-poly Old West pirate shirt, but hey, you knew we'd find something. There's prime slash potential in the scene where the bounty hunter forces Heyes to embrace Curry as he ties his hands together. Catherine wondered briefly how they were going to ride a horse like that. Great Heyes & Curry interactions here, especially in the scene where they try to convince the bounty hunter they couldn't possibly be Curry and Heyes because Curry and Heyes would never do any of the stupid things they've just done.

    EVERYTHING ELSE YOU CAN STEAL:

    Amazing Guest Stars: Ann Sothern, looking totally over-the-top, like a possible Patsy Stone ancestor, and Jessica Walter, looking lovely but oh-so-of-the-era.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: Nice Heyes hair in the sheriff's office -- despite the sweaty, dirty, dusty look and the dusty pushed back hat, he still looks great. Excellent dismount shot. Too many adorable Heyes moments to list, including the absolutely priceless long underwear scene. Curry's got a serious lip gloss problem. A truly 1972 hair episode for Ms. Walter.

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:

    • Deb prefers the shorter jacket on Heyes, because she's shallow.
    • Catherine prefers no jacket at all, for the same reason.
    • Heyes looks adorable in his long underwear, but of course, you can see he's wearing authentic Old West briefs underneath.
    • Crocheted shawls: very 1970. And yet more False Eyelashes of the Old West.

    Romance Rating: None. Must be a small town if a pretty woman like Louise goes for that icky married man. But that little peck on the cheek she gets from Heyes made us sigh.

    Slash Potential: They actually *had* two beds in this episode. Of course they do parade around in their underwear in front of each other. And lovely underwear it is, even if it does cover almost every inch.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • So the guys who were pretending to be Curry and Heyes were called Black and White? Hey, you'd have to work hard to find aliases as dumb as Smith and Jones . . . and those were *real* names?
    • And how come they're using some of the same background music that was used in The Avengers? Bad background music is international? *shudder*

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarks:

    • Actual Heyes and Curry *angst* as they try to stop Jenny from killing the bad guy! Wow!
    • And Deb's Theory-of-the-Week is that they *must* be related because they *never* let anything go. That whole "Kid Curry and Whatshisname?" "Hannibal Heyes and Whatshisname?" thing just keeps coming up and up . . . "Your brilliant idea?" Fight nice, boys.

    And now...guest snarker Lil share some thoughts on...

    MIRACLE AT SANTA MARTA

    Hi girls,

    Hi Lil!

    Hope all's well with you - it's another mindless weekend for me and what better way to spend a lunch hour than to write up my snark. I hope I can read my own handwriting! Here goes...

    The key, you see, is to have someone else do the writing. Catherine has lovely, legible handwriting. Mine on the other hand...OK, I'll go away and get out of the guest snark. Later, kids.

    Amazing Guest Stars: Yup, it's the Curry and Heyes strolling players of the Old West - it's Joanna Barnes (one of the psycho women in How to Rob a Bank...) and Nicos Minardos - girls, this thing you have for big Jim, I have for Nicos.....I love the way he says IN - quirry!! He was also El Clavo in Journey from San Juan. Muy bien!! And there's those two women with capes and bonnets whose sole job it is to nearly get run over by various stagecoaches in every episode.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: Well, sad to say this is one of the very few episodes where he looks better *with* the hat than without - in the first few scenes with the hat, there's an interesting quiff thing going on. However, like soldier ants, the 'burnies are on the march southwards to spoil the whole picnic. Okay, I knew I'd be let down later - the hair in the Cantina scene with Meg Parker is, well....how *does* it hold itself in that sidesweep that we all know and hate? There's morphing hair in the scene in the Alcalde's office after they've been shot at - in the long shots it's to one side, then in close up it's swept totally back!! Of course the Kid has hair as well, and well.....he has hair. End of story. Sorry, Kid....

    Excuse Me, But Is This The 1870s or the 1970s Costume Moments: The boys look good in blue - love the Henley shirt, Heyes (Debs, I'm with you on the issue of Heyes' exposed flesh). It's the first appearance of the infamous wedding ring - in some scenes reminiscent of a tap washer. Of course no episode is complete without the corduroy disco jacket - I was also expecting the pink pirate shirt just to really make my day! The Kid's grey monstrosity makes an appearance -just imagine, he'd made a conscious decision to pack that...Miss Carruthers (the false one) has more hair than I've ever seen - there should be an amnesty for hairpieces? As for the other women, there's not many eyelashes of the Old West, but some damn fine eyebrows in evidence!! Mrs Hanley's outfit (bizarre high waisted thing with embroidery) I am sure I have seen before - besides which it's way too short, compared to what the other women are wearing, and the historical period .

    Romance Rating: Well, Heyes gets a woman this time - how come his dames are always on the make and never on the level? I love the scene in the stage where he meets Meg Parker and she has to tell him she's a widow to gain his attention again. Has he never heard of taking one's hat off in front of a lady? Heyes gets to send flowers (aaah) but you know there's an ulterior motive. Good God!! Alone with a lady in her bedroom - and then sitting on her bed?? in the 1870s?? I hope he kept at least one leg on the floor.... : - o

    Slash Possibilities: There's the scene where Heyes has his shirt untucked late at night (ahem). Heyes 'mends' the Kid's hat whilst he has the obligatory bubble bath - he'd make someone a lovely wife!!

    Miscellaneous Snarks: Has the colt owner no idea that one of the horses in the race is a thoroughbred - I thought that everyone ate, drank and breathed horseflesh in the Old West?? Colt owner was what I'd call a bit of a git - 'If you're gonna play con games on us, why aren't you wearing a gun?' Uh, like do you *have* to play con games if you wear a gun? I can see the entry form for the horserace:
    -- Do you, or have you ever intended
    -- a) to play con games
    -- b) to wear a gun
    -- c) both of the above
    -- d) none of the above

    And there's one thing I *don't* ever want to see again - the most overused ASAJ prop - the 'wheel of fortune'. Now available at every saloon in the Old West.... I wonder if the boys have ever risked their savings on it? 'Joshua, you've won a deep fat frier, a new wardrobe and $20,000 in cash!! Do you want to risk it all for our star prize, and try to guess the mystery gunfighter?'. Why do the boys have to get involved in every little dispute - it must be that old sense of injustice again. They never learn, do they? And the other classic ASAJ mistake of letting the Kid go off and do his own thing - we wouldn't like to think there's a *pattern* here, do we? Quick!! we've got five minutes to sum up - it must be time for a Kid Curry Bath with Cigar (TM). What soap does he use to get those bubbles - or is it the effects of the endless pork and beans? I must say my attention was on Heyes attempting to mend the hat. Too cute. I felt the end wasn't explained well enough - who did kill Mr Hanley?? Obviously the false Carruthers - after all, her mother did run a bordello!

    Music Snarks: Is there a mariachi band posted at every border crossing? Why does *everybody* look pleased to see a mariachi band?? For me, this was an all round annoying music episode - from the fairground ASAJ theme to the Avengers music in the jail scenes. And my most hated ASAJ background music - the terrible trumpets in the scene where the Kid's in the stagecoach with Mr Hanley. You'll know the ones I mean. On the plus side, at least noone sang in this one....

    Non Snarks: Heyes looked good with hat pulled down - you're right about the mood indicator/hat correlation!! We like it when the boys are mean and moody, and there was plenty of that. The Kid was good, especially in the scene when the Alcalde introduces himself. Kid's expression reads: 'you look like trouble - *please* don't arrest me until I've finished supper'. I liked the little dream sequence, although the police seemed to be armed with popguns. Hooray - someone takes a pop at the Kid's hat - Heyes 'mends' it, although why he didn't just say 'look - the hat's a goner. You'll have to get rid of it, and while you're at it, there's that suit - you've got nothing else to wear it with now...'

    Lines I Just Had To Finish/Change:

    Kid to the Colt Owner: "I don't really wanna use the gun"
    Yeah you do - you love it when people are suspicious of a fast draw!

    The Colt Owner to Kid: "In other words - you wanna use the gun?"
    *Hello!?* what word don't you understand?

    Mrs Hanley to Kid: "I didn't try to shoot you - what do you think I am?"
    Well you and your psycho sister nearly did a pretty good job a few months ago...

    Meg Parker to Heyes: " I went down to the docks... I wish I were a man"
    Yes, we know what those sailors like, honey

    Mrs Hanley to Heyes and Kid: "I'll need a bodyguard and a chaperone"
    You sure will with that short skirt, lady......


    Whew - that's it - hope you like it! It turned out to be a tad longer than expected - I watched it again and found more stuff!! Oh well, back to the grind. Keep smiling, Lil :-)))

    THE MCCREEDY BUST: GOING, GOING, GONE:

    Amazing Guest Stars: This episode has probably the most amazingly amazing guest stars of all. Not only do we have Burl Ives and Cesar Romero redux, but if that weren't enough to make any mere mortal ecstatic with joy, we also have Lee Majors!

    And Burl provides perhaps the only non-dreadful background music in the entire series. Okay, Catherine admits she was surprised to discover he actually has legs, since she's always thought of him as . . . well . . . a snowman. That got Deb into performance mode and she did renditions of both "Silver and Gold" and "Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas".

    Cesar is just so cool it's hard to even begin to know how to express his coolness. A little flamenco double-snap, perhaps. We screamed "YES YES YES!" when he appeared, anyhow, even if it was a snag on Mac and our guys.

    And Lee Majors . . . we can rebuild him, we have the technology . . . Everytime he came on screen we mimed the Six Million Dollar Man slow-mo running sequence. He draws almost as quickly as the Kid. Well, with all those bionics, what did you expect?

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Ratings:

    • The sideburns had begun their inexorable downward creep. A shame, that.
    • There is, however, a nifty scene with Heyes' shirt untucked. It was kinda cool to see the way his pants fit *without* the gunbelt, too. Heyes and Curry both look utterly *adorable* in the auction scene. For once they dressed them up *without* giving them bad hair or doofy hats.
    • This is actually quite a notable Good Curry Hair episode, by the way.

    Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:

    • And it's the return of the pink pirate shirt! Curry finally got back to that town to pick up the laundry he'd dropped off.
    • Heyes finally gets a leather vest (notice how he always wears corduroy -- proto-disco blazer as well as vest, to the Kid's leather 1970s jacket and leather vest?). But it's got this weird applique design on it. Very 1972. But then, we suppose there was a reason for that.

    Character Balance: Oh, they're both in it together. Driving each other crazy, but they're there. The boys fight constantly throughout this one. Deb takes this as conclusive evidence that they are cousins, on the theory that only blood relatives would fight like that, while Catherine sees this as AS&J's version of "Syzygy". (For those of you who are X Files deprived, this is the notorious episode where there is a strange cosmic alignment which causes Mulder and Scully to snipe at each other for the whole episode.) But fighting over *breakfast*? "Crucify me?" Chill, guys. And what is this Curry line? He tells Heyes that he had suggested they split up when they began to go for the amnesty because Heyes would probably make it and he probably wouldn't? NOOO! we scream.

    Romance Rating: Well, there were no women in the town that we could see, which kind of precluded anything in this department. Although we ourselves were mighty pleased with those serious butt shots when Lee Majors was checking out their gun belts.

    Slash Potential: Only if you wanted to interpret the whole episode as a lovers' quarrel. Although there is only one bed in the hotel room again.

    Miscellaneous Snarking:

    • Excuse us, but is *every* blinking town in the West named Red Rock?
    • "What's that hanging on your leg there?" Oh, we don't want to go *there*!
    • "I don't feel like I have my pants on without my gun." Oh . . . my. Curry as Second Amendment rights activist?
    • There is an amazing amount of testosterone flying about the place -- now we understand why there are no women there. You see, there *were* lots of women there but they all got hit by stray flying testosterone and grew mustaches and started singing bass . . .

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarking: We loved, loved, loved Spencer the Town Drunk, aka Philosophical Man! This plot handled religious issues in a meaningful, profound way. Wow. Of course, when he first started talking about the loss of his faith, Deb snapped into Bill Murray mode "abomination . . . cats and dogs living together!" But seriously, we were really impressed. Except we kinda wanted to see Philosophical Man shoot Lee Majors.

    Quotes Catherine Just Had to Finish:
    Heyes to Philosophical Man: The Kid is a sort of homegrown philosopher. He hasn't read much . . . of course, I read Hegel, Nietzsche, and Kierkegaard in my off hours between poker games and bank jobs.

    TWENTY-ONE DAYS TO TENSTRIKE:

    Amazing Guest Stars: Pernell Roberts, and once again . . . Walter Brennan!!! In an entirely different role, though. Funny how they never notice how familiar he looks.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments:

    • This is one of the Giant Sideburns That Ate Pittsburgh episodes. Heyes' sideburns look like the sideburns Neil Young and Stephen Stills wore when they were in Buffalo Springfield.
    • Curry has some nice hair moments, though. Actually they're both looking a bit scruffier -- but this isn't a bad thing.
    • Sometimes in the first season they're riding around looking so well-groomed that one can't help imagining they have a hairdresser and a makeup artist roaming the range with them.

    Excuse Me, But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Moments: Deb asked, "Who's the babe going on the cattle drive?" It's Mrs. Pernell, but what an awful lot of hairspray and eyeshadow she's wearing.

    Character Balance: Balanced.

    Romance Ratings: None. Well, Pernell's wife is allegedly sleeping with just about everyone *but* H&C . . . of course, she does get flirtatious with Curry, but he has this silly little moral thing about married women. Good boy, Kid.

    Slash Potential: Well, there's that hurt/comfort thing where Heyes is tending to Curry's wounds.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • Cannonball Run in the Old West, says Deb.
    • And what is it with the Fantasy Island background music?
    • Hey, let's stand apart from everybody else at the campfire so that they can see that we're really suspicious characters.
    • All the Lawmen in the Old West are Deaf -- otherwise they'd hear Heyes and Curry calling each other by their real names;
    • and all the Women are Blind -- otherwise every single blinkin' one of them wouldn't walk past Heyes and come on to Curry instead. Even with the Frightening Sideburns, he's still got it.
    • The back wall of that "wilderness camping set" is *sooo* apparent.
    • The guys don't need to be scared of Walter B. After all, they've seen him in a dress.
    • A stiletto? Hey, anyone who reads mysteries immediately suspects it must be a woman.
    • Dirty bunkhouse stories? As opposed to the clean bunkhouse stories they told on Sundays? "
    • This was like "And Then There Were None: The Heyes and Curry Version."
    • Confab? Deb says that word didn't exist until 1963.

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarks: We awwwed when Heyes tended to Curry's wounds.

    THE MAN WHO BROKE THE BANK AT RED GAP:

    Amazing Guest Stars: Rudy Vallee redux, and he actually plays the same part he played in "Dreadful Sorry, Clementine." Cool. Broderick Crawford.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: Another Regrettable Sideburns Episode. *sulk*

    Excuse Me, But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Moments: Well, there's no Jimi Hendrix neckscarf, but we do have the pink pirate Curry shirt and the appliqued Heyes vest. That's a lot of awful all at once! The pink pirate shirt is coming undone. Nice smoking jacket, Broderick.

    Character Balance: Balanced.

    Romance Ratings: Er, did we even *see* a woman in the whole episode?

    Slash Potential: I couldn't detect any. Anybody else? Maybe we're not trying hard enough.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • So it's not Red Rock, it's Red Gap. We're supposed to be impressed?
    • More Avengers background music again?
    • Heyes just happens to be carrying an oil can. Hey, you never know when you might run into a Tin Man.
    • Really, really bad happy Winfred montage.
    • And it's a down to the last minute safe scene. How predictable.

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarks: Adorable limping scenes for the boys. And more safegasm for Heyes. Weird blue lighting -- hey, it's the X Files.

    Our Favorite Quote: Heyes: "How are your feet?" Curry: "I'd say tender only you'd feel called upon to say something cute and then I'd have to kill you." You know, that's pretty witty for the Kid.

    THE MEN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG:
    Grrr. That should be *Who*, says Catherine, who teaches writing. Nice Mark Twain title steal.

    Amazing Guest Stars: Wally Cox! J.D. Cannon returns as Harry Briscoe! Dave Garroway as the Biggest Ham Actor, er, Sheriff in the West, in a truly jarring and inappropriate performance that made us cringe! And the moment we've all been waiting for . . . . Adam West as Attorney Brubaker!!!!! Yes, it's the caped crusader with long hair!

    And by the way, West's acting career did not stall because he was stereotyped as Batman. No, it stalled because he is made of wood. Seriously. You could build a bridge out of him. [A witch! A witch! Burn him! Sorry. We're all right now. Just takes the meds a little while to kick in]. Oddly, when Brubaker first appeared, in "Jailbreak at Junction City" he was played by another actor (Time Lords of the Old West?) . . . but the sheriff in that episode was an Adam West-imitator.

    Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: Look, this was the last episode that Pete completed before he died, and he's looking tired and worn out, although he even does *that* attractively. So we won't dwell on The Sideburns That Overran the Adorable Dimple. Not much, anyway.

    Excuse Me, But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings:

    • Once again, an episode with few women produces minimal costuming issues.
    • The blue shirt does nice things for Curry's eyes.
    • Heyes' embroidered leather vest is just so 1971 it's practically unbearable.
    • More Bad Suits on Lawyers of the Old West, starring Adam West.
    • Heyes' tie is so unfortunate we can only surmise he got it from Fox Mulder, while Curry's hemming tape suit looks like it comes from The Village in *The Prisoner*.

    Romance Rating: Nope.

    Slash Potential: Not really.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • Harry Briscoe puts on glasses as a disguise -- what is this? The Clark Kent school of disguise?
    • Hannibal Heyes has discovered moral relativism. Someone give that man a cigar.
    • They've been trying to get the amnesty for "almost a year"? You know they've been on several months-long mining expeditions, been on extensive cattle drives, visited Mexico a couple of times, and they've been everywhere from Montana to Texas and California to . . . well, how far east *did* they ever get? And this was in less than a year? No wonder Heyes is looking so exhausted.
    • Is it the old nailfile in the cake routine? No, it's the old gun in the blackberry pie routine. Wouldn't a gun get ruined that way? Or at least be too sticky to shoot with?
    • And while we're at it, would somebody shoot the sheriff, please? Paging Bob Marley.
    • Hey, Deb noticed that the deputy is reading a zine! Hey, we are Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry and we are surrounded by Bannerman detectives. What's wrong with this picture?
    • Harry Briscoe has this wonderful Don Adams-esque quality to him. But when he swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth . . . would you believe that face?

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarks:

    • That Heyes/Kid scene at the beginning when they talk about their childhood is just so wonderful.
    • Adorable moment when Briscoe fumbles with his whistle, and Heyes whistles instead.
    • The plot was not cribbed from the Mark Twain story, but we can definitely see the inspiration. Cool.

    Lines We Just Had To Finish:

    Brubaker: What he intended can't be proven, but what can be proven is that I am wearing blue eyeliner." (And you know, the suit's even worse in the sunlight. I guess this is what happens when he doesn't have Alfred around to help him with his wardrobe.)

    THE BIGGEST GAME IN THE WEST:

    Yes, it's our first Roger Davis Episode Snark!

    Amazing Guest Stars:

    • Jim Backus! Deborah thought Mr. Magoo, Catherine thought Thurston Howell III, but both of us agreed that his punishment at the end would be a three-hour cruise. Coming, Lovey!
    • Chill Wills. We have no idea who he is, but Catherine thought he was an animated penguin. Oh, no. That's Chilly Willy.
    • Dennis Fimple as Kyle, making us yell, "Go, Kyle!" as always. We love Kyle, orthodontist's nightmare or no.
    • And Roger Davis. Oh, oops, he's a regular, isn't he?

    Kid Curry Hair Moments: Yes, we threatened it, and it's true. Our hair attention has shifted to Ben, who, now that he gets top billing, must have gotten a better hairdresser and more conditioner, because he looks fabulous! Roger's hair is better than it was in "Smiler," probably because he now rates a hairdresser, period.

    Hannibal Heyes Eyebag Moments: Okay, we're only kidding. This will not be a new category. But have you noticed that Roger's eyes kind of appear and disappear. They're nice blue eyes when you can see them. But sometimes you can barely see them for the eyebags. We figure it was all those years of shooting "Dark Shadows" -- he's probably just not a morning person.

    Excuse Me, But is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Moments:

    • We didn't notice any glaring inadequacies, possibly because there are no female characters to speak of in this episode and they tend to do better with men's outfits. Oh, but that saloon girl with the feather-topped green gown: she was making us nervous. Just imagine if she had leaned into a candle or something. She would have gone up like a haystack.
    • Roger's Heyes looks just as bad in the brown suit as Pete's did. Could it be that the brown suit is just not flattering on anyone?
    • And what is with the bare chest and suspenders look in that shaving scene, Roger? Trying out for a job with Chippendale's?
    • By the way, we note with a sigh that if Pete had been in the scene, he would have been wearing his henley undershirt. Was the man's refusal to exploit himself legendary or something?

    Romance Rating: Well, the Kid looks like he's scoring with the saloon girl during his low-stakes poker game, while Heyes is busy winning money from the big ugly cattle barons. Kid, you're a slutpuppy.

    Slash Potential: That first scene, when they seem to be sleeping by the side of the road? Aren't they sleeping awfully close together?

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • Does Jim Backus' character always blackmail people right after church services, like he does in this episode? He was probably coming up with the plan during the sermon.
    • And doesn't "Mr. Smith" get off just a little too much on ordering his assistant "Jones" around?
    • Does anyone believe that Wheat was really one of the masked outlaws that held up the poker game? Answer: of course not. Because then he would have had a line. We guess Earl Holliman was busy again that week.
    • Okay, and when the sheriff goes after Heyes and Curry, look carefully at the wanted poster. Hannibal Heyes is described as having brown hair and brown eyes and being 5'11" -- the same height as Kid Curry. So what's this blond haired, blue eyed man, who is obviously several inches taller than Kid Curry, worried about? Doesn't anyone notice these things? We trust they changed the poster later.

    Morbid Moments (tm): This was shared with us and we're going to share it with you. Uh, notice the scene where Heyes and Curry are talking in their hotel room? Well, when you see the Kid's back and Heyes' front, it's Roger Davis. When you see Heyes' back and the Kid's front . . . look closely. Do you notice the hair is darker? Uh, yeah. They'd started filming before Pete died and apparently this was an editing mistake. *shudder*

    WHAT'S IN IT FOR MIA?

    Bad title award goes to this sucker!

    Amazing Guest Stars: Buddy Ebsen, who pretty much always looks the same, doesn't he? Movie stars, swimming pools. Wonder if that Jed's name was short for Jedediah, too. But this Buddy Ebsen character has multiple diplomas on his walls. Ida Lupino, aging B-movie star. Does anyone else remember her from "Sherlock Holmes and the Spider Woman"? Actually, she is a pretty darned cool character. Ruthless women, gotta love'em. And Sallie Shockley, whoever she is, who is a serious contender for the Worst Female Hair Ever On the Series award.

    Kid Curry Hair Moments: And his good hair streak continues! He really looks fabulous throughout this episode. Roger, er, Heyes gets some pretty bad hat hair at one point, though.

    Excuse Me, But is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Moments:

    • Ida Lupino gets some very nice costumes, though her hat plumes are a little frightening at times. A very 18th Century looking dressing gown, in that one scene.
    • Sallie Shockley's clothes are fine, but what's with the hair? She looks like she is wearing a fez throughout most of the episode.
    • So, the guys are dressed up for most of this episode, except when they're total messes: Homeless Heyes and Kid Curbside?
    • We've decided that even though we loathe the Kid's suit with the piping, the vest with the piping is kind of cute, without the jacket.

    Romance Rating: Kid Curry, Slutpuppy-at-large? Will you kiss anything that is female and moves, Kid? Even Fez Woman? Although we like the way she turns the tables on him at the end. Is he really so conceited that he thinks kissing him would have such a major impact on a woman's life as all that? We like it when she says that it was exciting kissing him, knowing who he was, but clearly there's no future in it, so . . . hasta la bye bye, Kiddo! Oh, and, hand over the money. Her heart belongs to daddy, indeed.

    Slash Potential: None that we could see.

    Miscellaneous Snarking: Okay, so Heyes is really smart, we buy that. (Even if he's not as pretty as he used to be, *ehem*.) And he's read as much as he could get his hands on. We can buy that. But doesn't he know just a little more about science than is credible for a guy who ran away from an orphanage when he was 15 and has little formal education? And, if you were Kid Curry, would you go on a mining expedition with a man who looks suspiciously like Danny Bilson?

    Morbid Moments (tm): That dark bandanna that the Kid is wearing? We're told that it belonged to Pete and that after he died, Ben started wearing it at some point in almost every episode, as a sort of tribute. Look for it -- we will be!

    BAD NIGHT IN BIG BUTTE

    Let's not even go there, okay? (catherine)

    But Catherine. . . (deb)

    Stop it, you. I said, STOP IT!!!! (catherine)

    Amazing Guest Stars: Michele Lee, as Georgette Sinclair, the Only Woman of Any Height Whatsoever In The Entire Old West; Jack Elam; Sam Jaffee. Deb shares with us that he did a voice in *The Aristocats*. This kind of encyclopedic knowledge terrifies Catherine, rather. The deputy is the same guy who held up the mail in "The Root of it All" *and* showed off for Big Mac McCreedy in "The McCreedy Bust." Man, he gets around! Written by Glen Larson, the show's creator. Nice that they let ol' Glen on the set now and again. Soapy!!! Three cheers for continuity!

    Kid Curry Coiffure Moments: Hair? Forget his *hair*. We were too busy focusing on the diamond-in-the-navel scene. Too bad he didn't follow up with a belly-dance or something.

    Excuse Me But Is This The 1870s or the 1970s Costume Moments:

    • George doesn't have to share dresses with every other woman in the Old West. And her dresses are nicer, too. Of course, Michelle Lee was the only tall actress ever to appear on the show . . . .
    • The guys don't even bother dressing up for dinner anymore . . . and since when does dressing for dinner include guns, anyway? And you know, George may have big hair, but she has big hair for a *reason*.
    • It's interesting. Ben looks really short next to Roger. According to the press releases, Ben was 5'11" and Roger was 6'1". So was Ben always wearing flats and Roger riding boots with heels? If so, WHY? (In Third Season you can actually see that that's true . . . )
    • And the Kid is still wearing the Hemming Tape Suit.


    Romance Ratings: There's another episode where George shows quite a bit of romantic favoritism for Heyes, but she's a lot more sisterly in this one.

    Slash Potential: They're, uh, naked under those blankets, aren't they? And what about that moment when the Kid's longjohns are riding oddly low on the hips, and he goes to lie in bed, all bare chested (*sigh*) and asks "Is that what we're gonna do?" Only one bed again, and it's not a very big one.

    George vs. Clem, The Battle of the Century: Catherine observes that George's hair is not as big as Clem's, though Deb comments that she is bigger than Clem (most anything is bigger than Clem), so the actual hair may be the same size. And George gets points, because you gotta admire a woman who can wield an axe like that. Clem would try to get *them* to do it, and then still not explain why.

    Note: Okay, so we've often heard Sally Field referred to as a recurring character on the show as Clem, even though she only appeared in two episodes. Now, one thing we heard was that the George parts were written for Clem, but that after Pete's death, Sally Field (who'd worked with him on Gidget) didn't want to be in the show anymore. And that may be true, but we kinda wonder, because:

    a) she *does* appear in a Roger episode in the third season;
    b) George appears to be a distinctly different character in a lot of ways than Clem; and
    c) if they'd have written these parts for Clem, why wouldn't they have just had Michelle Lee be Clem?

    After all, they had Roger be Hannibal Heyes, not Some Other Guy Who Also Hung Out With Kid Curry. They had three different Lom Trevorses, and half of Hollywood played Lobo at one point or other.

    Miscellaneous Snarks:

    • Georgette Jenkins . . . it's an alias, guys. You've heard of the concept, perhaps? And shortly after we said this, the Kid gets to snark Roger/Heyes in just the same terms.
    • And for heaven's sake it's July 4th again. It's *always* July 4th. It was July 4th in "The Great Shell Game," it was July 4th in "Smiler With a Gun," it was July 4th . . . Do y'all know what Mark Twain said about July 4th in *Pudd'nhead Wilson*? "July 4th. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the Country has grown so."
    • And isn't George quite the legal scholar?
    • Now, that's the weirdest soundtrack of all: Doctor Who music? Hey, maybe Catherine's theory that Hannibal Heyes is a Time Lord isn't so off after all . . .
    • Why is Jack Elam looking through the peephole with his *glass* eye?
    • And Heyes spent 33 days training a *homing pigeon*?

    Miscellaneous Non-Snarks: Er, actually we didn't have any. We like George, but this isn't her best episode. This episode is most remarkable for Kid Curry's $20,000 navel jewel.

    Favorite Lines: George: Sorry boys, poker is not my idea of a good investment.

    Lines You Will Never Be Able To Hear Quite The Same Way Again, If We Have Anything To Do With It:

    George: I give you my solem word that we'll only stay in Big Butte one night.
    Deb for The Guys: All of us? Like . . . together? Cool!

    Kid: You're right, Heyes, it is time we found out what she's up to.
    Catherine for Heyes: It's also time that you stop calling me Heyes in public.

    George: I'm sorry that I'm late for dinner.
    Catherine for George: I'm also sorry about the big hole I left in your ceiling, but maybe if you don't look up.
    Deborah: Who's the extra seat for? Elijah?

    George: If we can't trust each other, who can we trust?
    Deb: Well, if we were you . . . not Donna Mills.

    Jack Elam: What do you take me for, a complete idiot?
    Us: No, not a complete one. Just a partial.

    Jack again: Let's be frank, Sheriff.
    Deb for Sheriff: You can be Frank, if you want to be, but I'd rather be Raymond.

    Kid: Answer the door, Heyes.
    Catherine at the Door: Candygram for Mongo.

    Heyes: If I lie to you, may I be struck dead . . .
    Catherine for Heyes: Oops, that's what happened to me when I was Danny Bilson, wasn't it?

    Sheriff to Heyes: Remember, your friends stay in jail until you come back . . .
    Catherine for Heyes: Hey, no problem . . . hehhehheh.

    Home Page | FAQ | Episode Guide | Snarkathon | Actor Bios | Links

    I maintain this site strictly for fun. I have not intended to infringe on anyone's copyrights. Have an suggestions, comments, praise (in particular)? Drop me a note
    Reproduction or use of any of this site for profit sternly frowned upon. 
    (c) Personal Ephemera